My Double Life, Am I Alone?
Jul 08
I have a double life. On one hand I love my home and children and simplicity and on another I need stimulation from another sort of man. I’ve always found myself falling into this pattern, no matter how many times I promise myself it is just once more, or just one more man. My husband does not know. He suspects. But he doesn’t want to end the marriage. Neither do I! Am I crazy? More importantly am I alone?
Your thoughts?
Doubled Over
Alone? You know you´re not. Crazy? Don´t be so hard on yourself. Crazy indicates that you´re not functioning normally, and from what you´ve said, this is definitely not your case. Humans are sexual creatures. Your pattern of sexual encounters shows that you are thoroughly human. We are always seeing things that stimulate us, and women from our tribe, women who are stimulated by their sexuality and by all varieties of men, see what we like and go for it. This means that you are functioning from a place of honesty with yourself and your desires. Honesty with your husband is another matter, maybe one that seems impossible, but the fact that he doesn´t want to end the marriage means that he is, on some level, ok with what is happening. If you can reach him, talk to him honestly and openly about these patterns, and you find some understanding of both of your needs, imagine the possibilities of having your cake and eating it, too! I know, easier said than done. But their are people who have truly “open relationships”, it´s not impossible, just rare. If this doesn´t seem possible for your relationship, just keep being honest with yourself, and you can´t go wrong. Meanwhile, enjoy your juiciness!
Dear Doubled Over,
Julia’s response was heartfelt, and good advice. My answer reflects that Julia and I are from different generations. I was first wed dragging a dowry of silver crystal and china. It was not an environment in which open marriage could have been considered, even though the sixties had come and gone. AS Julia and I are from the same strongly sexual tribe, I, too, found myself desiring other men, which led to divorce.
When women come to me with the question you present, I first ask if they married for money, or for financial security. Many women, even in the 21st century still cut this unspoken “deal.” And, many harbor the inability to “picture” themselves earning a living, and marry by default.
If you really want to explore all of the nuances of MEN and are compelled to have affairs, then leaving the marriage must be considered. If not someone is going to get hurt. Pursuing the heart’s desire entails growth and change, not always comfortable. IT takes bravery. If, when you inquire within, your deepest desire is to express yourself sexually when the opportunity arises, then find a way to support yourself and BE yourself. It certainly will grow you as an individual.
There are no guarantees. You may regret it. YOu may be jealous when your husband finds someone else. Yo may get back together after sampling other fare. And if risk really drives you, then, I see plenty in this choice!
Another route would be to fantasize about other men during sex with your husband and maintain the stability of your marriage, i.e., be monogamous. At least for a few months, in order to reflect on what you’d lose if you leave. YOu’d gain freedom, no doubt about that. But at what price?
A very wise old Southern woman once told me, “You trade one man for one set of problems, you get another man with another set of problems.”
Neither Julia nor I can give you a final answer. IT is up to you to examine what really drives you and what truly satisfies you. Be a realist. Have gratitude for everything in your present situation. And trust your inner voice. I vote for growth everytime. Hopefully for you and your partner you will both find it within your current relationship.
Very Best
Christine
The Weavers!
Shrug, file it all under living and you can’t have it all if you want to stick with truth and integrity.
You think your husband suspects but you haven’t told him. That’s not being honest with yourself or your desires, that’s hiding out. The choices remaining are his to make and by not telling him you’re making them for him.
The statement “But he doesn’t want to end the marriage” indicates there are already cracks in it. Maybe you created them with your behavior and maybe they were there prior and it led to your behavior…
Whether or not you can, “reach him” it’s up to you to open your mouth, regain your integrity, and be honest about your impulses with everyone it impacts.
Lastly and most importantly, we teach our children how to live their lives through our own example. You are teaching them how to be deceptive.
No, I won’t feel sorry for you because in the scenario you painted it’s you that’s having it all while the price builds for everyone else to pay. Neither do I condemn you, like I said at the start – this is your life and your living it.
Very strong, very honest, Steve. Regarding cracks in the relationship, you wrote
“Maybe you created them with your behavior and maybe they were there prior and it led to your behavior…”
Either way, you surmise there were cracks, and I support that supposition. I don’t think we women who weave desire anything other than to love and support our man. Singularly. If cracks could be addressed when they are small fissures then perhaps neither party would look elsewhere.
Thanks for your insight.
Christine