Hypnotic Adoration vs. Reality

 I’m weaving together the advice I have found most helpful from everything presented on a particular  thread in Bill Cammack’s Dating Genius  site. “Men cheat on women they’re in relationships with because their desire to enjoy their lives is greater than their interest in upholding their word to you.”
This is the thesis statement. Women could probably have better deeper relationships if they understood The Game and the Terrain.

We are framing the questions to find the ineffable answers. Making stabs based on observation. Scientific method. With some willingness to look at the truth, and practice seeing openly without becoming paranoid one might be better off, happier, more in touch with the truth and the deeper meaning inherent in each relationship we have.
All Day Long. 

Personally, negotiating the landscape of staying open and “believing” while noticing discrepancies societally and in the relationship, has been formative. Many women don’t want to acknowledge the dissonance or hear the discordant clanging future.The unstoppable drive for women IS to create and fuel the prettiest possible path and outcome. For herself and her man. And their children. To love fiercely and believe.  I knew, in my twenties, thirties and forties, that what would happen to me would always be about the Man in my Life. And our relationship, together.
Even towards the end of that frenetic period of belief in intimate magical community with S. O. I could still be dazzled silly.
When I fall instantaneously into  hypnotic adoration I am the happiest. At the zenith of that experience IT becomes my entire world. I see light coming off of my man’s face in bed at night, creating a holy glow. I think he has a special, rare goodness and that I couldn’t take him to India because he’d stop traffic. Everyone would lay down in the street to worship, thinking he was a saint! “Is that your husband with God on his face and Light in his eyes,” they wouldask.
Most of the time these men are the worst kind. I’ve tried so hard to work out how my finely tuned honing device could be so warped when it comes to men. I’ve even wondered if I was such an empath that I felt drugs in their system which they protested were never there! “I don’t do drugs,” they all proclaimed.

 I just feel warm and fuzzy 24/7 and it is the best high to fall in love head over heels.

My “wrong” judgment about men has been perfect. I have seen, experienced, grown in my understanding, yet remained totally unflinchingly porous. Ever ready to believe again but a little more savvy each time.
I hope for women to succeed at achieving a juicy rich life with a mate. I hope that they love hard and true and strong and fight sometimes and make love all the time and build up each other as “one.” And when they are heartbroken and dashed, I hope they don’t get in that hell realm of stuckness over it.

I had few cairn stones to guide me on my trek and life journey with men. I think it is important to discuss this, from an education POV. Here. On other sites and feeds. This paradox, hypnotic adoration vs. reality, is being examined, facets admired and critiqued for their perfect glint as well as chips, the whole. It is being named ,not to denigrate men or women, their behavior or choices, but rather to bring some level of enlightenment and honesty to the forefront. It is birthed by a desire to offer a solution to a problem for which the pressure seems to be building to the tipping point. There is a problem to solve.

Many of us truly wish to help because of something we feel in our hearts and can explain so others better understand the Terrain. Supposedly, Pasteur gave up his life long adamant stance, on his death bed, admitting to his debate partner and peer,”It’s the terrain.”(Not just the isolated critter in our blood.)
So call it whatever you like, name a bacterium in a terrain, or a man’s variety of cheating in The Game.
Women want to, more than the Maslow chart reveals, in my opinion, love a man and love him with everything we’ve got. A man’s responsibility is to keep his woman in that zone of  magic making startlingly powerful love, primarily through excellent lovemaking. Lives soar. Dreams are created. It is a hypnotic, a stimulant, an unctuous emollient.
We want that. Everybody knows it. Advertisers promising that get us to vote with our pocket books.
Bill Cammack, Dating Genius, isn’t trying to take away That. He is whacking the pinata to see what enlightenment will fall out, in a fresh, modern, non attached to whether the advice is taken or not fashion.
Bill explains that it helps him like therapy to explain and explore the terrain from the stories. He is perplexed and saddened by women talking crazy shit about how perfect their marriages, homes, plans, kids are, and seeing it destined to fail in the future. Knowing they are going to be  desperately  upset. And it will happen again and again and again until women wake up. They can keep their passion and impetus to please and make mutual happiness and beauty and win! They must learn, he teaches, to take the pulse, objectively, on occasion, about what could happen.

I always called it “Perceived end of relationship pain.” I’d allow it, the other door of the two door system to open, which revealed cold icy aloneness instead of the arbor door which swung open to sweet green grassy paths and a happy future together.

I might do it when little things happened, go to the perceived end of relationship pain place. For my own good.
When your hurt leads you to consider that it might not work out, that is a good thing. And hearing other’s POV helps gather information, reality ammo, for those times.

Allowing realities to bubble to the surface takes bravery. Throwing away concepts of ownership is a beginning..
I think that is the warrior spirit Bill says that must be brought to the table. Awareness teamed with action. If you want it, if you really want it, arm yourself with knowledge and be vigilant and alive! NO ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzz.
Fairy tale busting as intent, was a charge in one comment. Sophia expressed concern that women who took this advice would risk unnecessarily shutting down their natural ability to have hope and faith in a relationship.
I think if they shut down because of these posts rather than from the deconstruction of their own personal exquisite pain in relationship they are too easily led to understand it fully anyway.

I’ve long been an advocate of high school classes to replace home ec., about choices young women will face, and the difference between what your church and families tell you to expect when you grow up and how your life will actually go.
Informed.
Women could become informed through a grass roots movement. An education based offering, like Google creating a new paradigm and giving us free information assistance.
My intent is pretty much the same as Bill’s. Free information.It helps me integrate my many relationships and those I’ve seen go down with friends, relatives, co workers. I like explaining how that filters through my consciousness in order to most clearly express the terrain, and to learn to use what has happened to determine what might happen, to you! In the future. In a relationship.

We need actuarial tables. Bill mentioned the rate was steady at 50/50, a one in two chance for success as planned. A new MMPP might be created to inform one what category they are in and if they can be faithful and committed or not, man or woman. A galvanic skin test to tell you what you are most likely to do when situations present themselves would be helpful.

I’m not selling a new therapy. I’m advocating for education to increase awareness. Bill offered advice which can set women free. They wouldn’t have to lose any degree of being fully woman in a full blown relationship with the best man on earth. They’d just be smarter. It reminds me of the early shifts in education, ending the strong hold of Creationism.
People were pretty comfortable believing the Bible story from Genesis about God’s time line for making the Earth and all of its inhabitants, when they first heard Walter Cronkite mention carbon dating and evolution. The Leakey’s were finding Lucy and the parallel concept slipped in. Facts pointed to billions of years of evolution and phylums, genus and species all in flow charts developing through natural selection, from each other. Most people you meet know evolution is a fact. But they still might also hold baby bible artwork images in their memories, depicting Adam and Eve and the Garden of Eden and an Old Testament God . You might not be able to push them to explain how they can be comfortable with such an outdated understanding because the images might be too deep to dredge up to discuss and integrate, with ease.
Conflicts are more often than not, deeply submerged.
Will people benefit from incorporating new facts, to change their view of the way it really is? Yes.

To answer Sophia’s poignant questions, about why does this mean thing happen, why do bad men prey on and corrupt nice girls with kind delicate hearts? It happens, Sophia, because many men are adept at getting what they want. What they think they need to be happy. Supply. A pretty sweet girl who is crazily in love with them and organizes their life and pays bills and cooks dinner, runs errands, looks great on their arm and believes them completely is the most desirable. If she’s making all or most of the money she is The most desirable. Men look for supply. Women look for a man to believe in and share a life with. And don’t forget the inverse relationship between desirability and attainability. If he is her dream come true, someone she practically idolizes, great looking rich respected lots of mover and shaker friends and stimulation and an expense account for her..isn’t she looking for supply as well? She would be most intent on getting that type of man, because he is close to unattainable; she finds him to be so cool and sexy and funny and handsome and strong. And she wants his total devotion.
She is fixated because the stimulus of desirability is so strong. She’s going for this one and she is going to make it work. If he needs something she is going to try her best to get it or make it happen for him. They are, in her eyes, a team. When time goes by and she realizes less and less of her core needs are met and that he probably doesn’t give a shit about her and did use her as supply…she is sad. She becomes determined to bust him, catch him cheating or simply misrepresenting his real level of commitment, and she pins him down to help her figure out where this is going and what to do. Can anything get us back to the happy spot or was it all basically the lies men tell…so they can get their supply, she asks women friends.
Bill said “lots of people are cool with lying and utilize it to great effect in their lives.
Sophia tidied up with “It’s good to know how and why that happens so Thanks Bill.”
I’ve lifted sentences from this stream which sound, to me, like excellent tenets for a much needed education of girls and women:

“Lot of times, however, a guy hooks up with a chick because he likes screwing her, and whatever other fringe benefits come along with spending time with her” BC

It is your responsibility to wise up and look at the whole picture.”BC

“I know there are tons of people that live the fantasy and have a good time with it. I also know that there are lots of people that get caught out there when they realize they didn’t have the control that they thought they had over someone else.” BC

Human nature trumps everything…you can’t call society into play because lots of people remain in the boundaries so they won’t become pariahs. They don’t actually believe in the constructs they are swearing to at all. “BC

B.M said “don’t label someone as a knight in shining armor until they earn that title.”

I say I’ve known some knaves seeking supply who were able to dazzle me into naturally hallucinating the shiny armored knight…at hello!

The illusion of ownership is a major factor in relationships.Guys need to say it and women need to believe it” BC

Let’s educate to eradicate the silly idea of sex boycott as being effective in eliciting any control. “If he doesn’t take out the trash or come to your Mother’s house for Sunday dinner you can hurt him via Sex Boycott.” BC says.

“It’s actually incredibly arrogant and perhaps delusional to believe that someone wasn’t having sex at all and then when they met YOU….” BC

We still have no posts from a happily married man explaining what drew him to his wife and what makes their relationship tick.

“If I adopted the stance of “Life is fair and Humans are good and nobody’s going to kick it to (paraphrase, my SO) who claims they are spoken for, I’d most likely eventually get blindsided by reality.” BC

“If you don’t understand what the game is it’s flying bind and potluck whether you end up with something good or not. I think it is best to recognize the game for what it is and come to the table prepared to do battle if you have to, even though you hope you can avoid that, meet someone that’s as into you as you’re into them” BC

And Sophia said “People would much rather believe in the fairy tale, and have to deal with the consequences later.”
You are so right, Sophia, and I would like to forge ahead and get to the bottom of that fear based way of life. Why do they choose to remain immured in ignorance????
BTW Laura Burman is on Joy Behar with a “make the connection” campaign for women who have an ebb in their sex lives. “A lack of sexual desire can be a medical condition.” These are actual quotes. Her site http://www.sexbrainbody.com addresses hypoactive sexual desire disorder, “not just being sick of your husband and having too much laundry to do.”

Emotional, relationship and medical! situational low desire is yet. another. category. Trumps Tiger Woods sex addiction therapy. A little pill, now to make a woman desire sex so her husband won’t leave her.
They are pitching a medical cure to hating your spouse and your life. AstraZeneca and all of those Basel Switzerland based pharmaceutical conglomerates are ahead of us on this one. They’ll be selling a mental viagra pill and jaded wives will want to ****. Problem solved. Woman can take a pill, coo about really liking the sex, and insure that their credit cards are paid off every month by their husbands and they get their faces waxed, botox and spa teatments and can be rampant consumers because they can once again appear to enjoy sex… with him.
“if you shut down to sex,what do you think he’s going to do.” Laura says. She got that right. Maybe she’s been tapping in to Dating Genius advice!
When people meet with this therapist she’s going to stop all sex right away, she says, in order to look for the medical issues that could stand in the way. I’ll bet their pills do work if they make you hold off for a while first!
“What if you have no interest and feel empty inside and the thought of sex with your man makes you physically ill, someone on the panel asked.
Is it because he is a jerk and not helping you and has gained forty pounds? the sex pundit interjected.
Wrap. “If you aren’t interested and you have to be to maintain the relationship
it might indeed be something physical. Sexual aversion disorder!!!
We give you ways to talk to your doctor about it., they say, knowingly.
The pharmaceutical industry was on this before Elin even took off her ring off.
There is no pill which is going to fix what is wrong between a couple unless ED is the only issue.
But at least this is a timely subject topic allowing a breath of fresh air from many points of light into a stale belief system fraught with taboos and unrealistic expectation.

Christine