Double trouble and the deeper meaning
Dec 05
Dear Dating Savant,
I have a problem. This really hot guy who I’ve had this “thing” for invited me to visit him. We’ve always been pretty compatible. It seems that he wants to play head games with females more than he wishes to just spend quality time with me. I knew he was chatting with an acquaintance of mine on facebook, and telling me everything she said (supposedly.) Now that I’ve driven out of town to see him, I find out that she has booked a hotel room and she’s coming tomorrow! He has put me in the awkward sitaution of aiding him in getting out of “double trouble.” What should I do? I know there are choices- I could go shopping while he spent time with her and then resume our weekend. I could leave and refuse to put up with this treatment. Or, I could just be nice to her and act like Jackson and I are just friends. I was considering moving in with him before this. I’m confused!!!
Sandra in Seattle
Sandra,
Thanks for writing. The fact that you were considering moving in with him tells me almost everything I need to know. Are your other options really worse than this? Life should be about moving from higher good to higher good. We should learn lessons from errors and be aware of the types we are drawn to who bring only suffering. The bad boy you are describing is entangling you in a situation which should serve as a warning.
Don’t think he’ll act any better once you’ve moved in. He has no regard for you.
The thing to focus on is your own lack of self esteem and how to best address that. Asking for help, writing to Dating Savant, is a great first step and intimates that you are willing to grow and change.
If the situation you are in feels familiar and stale then you must first commit to not choosing your own brand of suffering by being with a bad boy or man, again, who is only going to hurt you. Is the trade off of his good looks and the danger he’ll decidedly put both of you in ( I can read what gets you out there; narcissistic abusers) worth the pain and guaranteed heartbreak? Not to mention the fact that another notch in your lipstick case, taking you spiraling further downward, insures that you are even more entrenched in having a miserable life.
Clean up your act, as like attracts like. Know you have specialness and gifts and probably a huge heart and create a mantra around the fact that you DESERVE a good man and a good life. Have you forgotten that? Did You ever believe that?
Take care of yourself on all levels. Read a book or a blog about relationships, listen to pod cast about authentic empowerment, surround yourself with wise, good friends. And things will change. Feeling anxiety and desperation like you are on the tail end of pop the whip trying to hold on is NOT what a healthy relationship feels like. It is what dysfunction feels like, most likely trauma bonds to an early childhood attempt to be loved by an absent or abusive parent/parent figure.
Take a long hike in the opposite direction from this guy. Try to list the similarities in the player you are with and others you have attracted. And don’t go there any more. The alternative is a near hit to what AA says will happen if you don’t seek help and you are an addict- jail, death or insanity.
Take heart. If you want a better life it is as easy as envisioning it, invoking a Higher Power, and not tripping your SELF up.
Best of luck, Sandra