Changing our programming

Christine 1 comment Christine Wisdom

Jul 12

          
  Bill Cammack’s posts, my comments,  and D’or’s ‘ replies need to be read and reread until understanding seeps into every cell.
If you wish to understand men’s behavior and the naivete with which women (I get First Prize) have approached relationships this one’s for you.
Actually it explains women’s programming and the bifurcation of reality which (spontaneously) occurs until we re-educate ourselves. Ready?

Dear Bill,
You are right. You are right. You are completely correct. And the more you deliberately explain male behavior and motivation, the more I see it. When I was pregnant I saw a pandemic of pregnant women, when I strolled my newborn, prams, after the car wreck, walkers (an average of three per restaurant.) It’s all where you place your awareness!
I find myself today, after reading Why Men Cheat, with two burning questions. Most importantly, I wonder if I would SEE the truth about men’s behavior as clearly as I do, (albeit under the tutelage of Dating Genius) if my body was cooperating and I was still in the game?
This bears examining. I, Christine, have my own column about relationships and have studied men my entire life yet NEVER saw the things I now see after reading your posts.
This is not flattery; it is more about scientific method, and studying whether or not being a woman in the game automatically gives the Emperor clothes, or not. Would my epiphanies and suddenly seeing clearly have occured if I were still susceptible to what I love most?
I don’t know the answer. Probably not. I probably couldn’t have derived full pleasure from a relationship thinking that you were right.So I would have thought you were wrong. I probably would have missed it, like aboriginals not seeing Columbus’ ships because they couldn’t conceive of ships. I think what motivates most women is: how powerfully can we make ourselves believe in our man’s love and its proof, his faithfulness.
Maybe Im not finished with men. One ovary regenerated, (as in grew back after removal.) So my eggs are all dressed up in Sunday school shoes with no where to go, at 52.
But other problems have kept me sidelined. And, in that limbo I found another type of regeneration, that of my own ability to see the truth, clearly, where men are concerned.
I see it at bars. At concerts. I see it on bike rides to a park. Everywhere. “Damn, that’s exactly what Bill Cammack is talking about” I say to anyone around. And I never had eyes to see it before. That is evident in MY flowery embroidered writing about men and love and sex.
Would I be able to see the truths you offer up if I was bedazzled or up for being bedazzled by a man? I don’t think so.
I’m pretty certain that you are right, and we can’t hear it. And the reason you have to say it so many times in myriad ways is because your female audience can’t see the forest for all those gorgeous trees.
The other question? What inspires you to keep stating (what to you is) the obvious?
If I’m right that women have a solid refusal to accept what you say because of some spell we are under for most of our lives, then your advice and the intended recipients might as well be frozen in time, separate, like the figures in Keats’ Ode to a Grecian Urn.
I’m chewing on a double blind study and how to screen.
Christine

  1. Reply

    • Hey Christine. :) Thanks for the comments.

      I understand completely what you’re saying and I don’t take it as flattery because I’m not talking about things that I’ve made up myself. I’m talking about obvious, natural motivations for guys to do what they do as naturally felt by and expressed from a guy who feels such motivations as poignantly as I feel wind against my skin on a windy day or a bed beneath me when I lay down on one.

      I don’t know anyone that pursues women they’re not attracted to. I don’t know anyone that wants to have sex with a female that physically repulses him. I don’t know anyone that would select a woman with a crabby personality over one with a fun, lovely personality if all other things were equal. I *DO* know guys who think their girls are STONE COLD IDIOTS but stay with them because being smart wasn’t involved in their job description in the first place. I *DO* know guys that put up with crabby attitudes because the sex is good. All I’m doing is describing life as usual, not writing descriptions of some fringe lifestyle I made up in my own mind.

      As far as women seeing the truth, it’s tough. The Truth undermines all the brainwashing you received from before your earliest memories that you now have access to. I’m not saying, by ANY means that *ALL* guys cheat. I’m saying that the statistics have been 50% every time I’ve ever checked, so selling the “Happily Ever After” fairytale is disingenuous at the least and sinister at the most. SOME people subscribe to that particular dream and others don’t. If you subscribe and you come up against someone that doesn’t in the dating game, they’re going to eat your lunch.

      If you can’t see the *POSSIBILITY* that a guy’s going to cheat on you, you won’t see him cheat on you. If you are TOLD that he cheated on you, you’ll probably get mad at the person that told you that for bursting your bubble.

      What’s funny about this whole situation is that the only way to even HAVE a strong relationship with someone is to embrace the potential for treachery. You have GOT to see it as “He COULD cheat on me but elects not to because he feels XYZ about me” instead of “There’s no way he’s going to cheat on me because he said so” or “There’s no way he’s going to cheat on me because I know that I’m better than other women”. Ask Halle Berry and Sandra Bullock about that one. Remaining blind to the game just makes y’all back seat drivers. It doesn’t increase your chances of having a monogamous relationship. It DOES increase your chances of THINKING you have a monogamous relationship, which doesn’t do you an ounce of good AND could end up hurting you eventually.

      What inspires me to keep stating what I consider to be the obvious is that it’s really, really, really, really, REALLY ANNOYING to me to keep running into sleeping women. Sleeping. ZZZZZZZZZZZZ. It’s so annoying to run into yet another woman that’s clueless about what’s really going on in her love life that you wouldn’t even believe it. Hooking up with chicks is literally like stealing the proverbial candy from the baby. A SLEEPING baby, at that! :D So annoying.

      I’m a sportsman. I enjoy The Game. I enjoy interacting with women that are intelligent, awake and aware. If that makes it harder for me to get on, so be it! :D I’m bored to death with the concept that I can chat some chick up, tell her we’re boyfriend & girlfriend or that I want to marry her or whatever I figured out she wanted and then she’ll hand over her entire life to me on the spot. Bored.

      I’m hanging out with this chick, right? and she claims that she’s over her ex-boyfriend, except every time dude texts her, she hops on her phone and texts him right back with something she thinks is snide and condescending. If she didn’t care, she wouldn’t respond. It’s painfully obvious to me that she was interacting with him because she’s still addicted to him. I could see the HOPE on her face when her phone would buzz again and she would check to see what he replied to her reply.

      I’m tired of women that don’t realize how easy they are to manipulate. I write about this stuff so I can get it out and let it go. If I didn’t say anything about it, I’d be mad at myself for not doing so. I’ve been writing my blog for 3 or 4 years now and it NEVER occurred to me to write something so simple as “Why Men Cheat” because I thought we were all operating with this stuff as a ‘given’. It’s only been recently, and mainly though my conversations with reader “Sophia” that I’ve realized how entrenched and invested women are in the concept that when they select a man, that’s all she wrote and he’s never going to hook up with another chick while they’re still together, even though statistics and HISTORY have shown that 50% of relationships involve cheating.

      My other reward, besides self-therapy is the few times that women that didn’t get it before ACTUALLY get it and learn new tools to select mates in a better fashion and look out for themselves more when they’re already in relationships. There are lots of women who are hip to the game and have been for ages. They’re not the ones I’m mainly speaking to. They’re just as amazed/appalled as I am about how easy lots of women are to get over on.

      A reader came through a month or more ago talking about her boyfriend was drifting away from her, partially because she hadn’t hooked up with him in the 9 months they had been dating and that she was thinking about giving him some to rekindle the relationship. I’m like “WHY IS IT that NOBODY told her that’s not going to work?”.. This is what I mean. It’s the blind leading the blind and generation after generation of females get told the wrong thing and make the wrong decisions. According to what she came back and said, she changed her mind after our conversations and let the situation go. If that’s true, I feel like her life is going to be infinitely better for not tossing sex at him and having him take it and STILL leave her.

      So I write stuff so I can personally get over it. I said what I had to say about the topic. It’s out there. I’m not being part of the problem by staying quiet about it. That’s good enough for me. Also, when things like this come up in IRL conversation, I can link chicks to my blog instead of saying all this stuff over and over and over.

      Make no mistake.. I’m all for the fellaz bagging chicks and getting laid. I’d just personally rather see more girls and women making EDUCATED DECISIONS instead of being clueless or deliberately deluding themselves so they can pretend they’re living out a fairytale they were sold when their parents gave them baby dolls & tea sets to “play” with and painted their rooms pink because that’s what their parents did to them and that’s what their parents parents did to them…

      Reply

  2. A thread of compassion runs through it.
    Amen to your powerful words, honesty and the simplicity with which you present IT.
    You write about the kernel of the problem. Women’s belief systems upon which we were reared.So I got dunked in it, again. Even with my arsenal of knowledge, wisdom and power. My speech became garbled because of a man. Once again, it happened from 20 feet away. Instantaneously.

  3.  D’or  Dorisse@breathdance.org  says (on What Women Weave) May 1, 2010

But since it is YOU who asked, I have been tuning in and yes I have thoughts on this. 
I remember when I moved back to Maui with both girls after my year in Santa Fe with you. I met a beautiful man there, ******, and with him began exploring Tantra – the glorious and sacred energetics of divine union and connection, of which sex is only one small although significant part. I learned so much from being with him. We shared an exquisite, honest present-time LOVE whenever we were together. Sex was never great, and sometimes we would spend time together with candles in his bedroom and not have sex and to be honest I don’t really remember what we did – we just really loved being together and it felt like sacred playtime. ****** was a physically beautiful man, and a huge flirt, as I was so often myself and still can go there although not as much. 
[As an aside, and another topic in itself, I have become over the years fascinated by and working with the edges of and difference between sexuality and sensuality. There has been massive cultural misunderstanding of the two, as one is not necessarily the other. I am a very sensual being and it comes out when I dance, and I know that I am misinterpreted at times as being sexual when in truth I am feeling ecstatic from the movement of my body - I've had conversations with friends about it, many who experience the same. This piece of reclaiming our sensual self is a big part of what my BreathDance movement workshops are all about.]
Growing up in France, I learned about innocent flirtation that is playful and energetically stimulating although is not necessarily about desire and sex. With ******, I came to really understand that. We would sometimes go to parties together and under unspoken mutual agreement be on our own most of the time, although not hiding the fact that we were together. He would flirt away, he loved women, and they loved him. What I knew was that what ******and I had was real, and I never felt jealousy or ownership with him. At one point I had another lover at the same time - **** (whom ****** knew about) who was so jealous and possessive and at one party he couldn’t handle that I was being so cool, calm and collected as he kept his eye on ****** flirting with all those other women – that night was the end of that **** in my life!
What I learned from ******, is that basically, intrisically, MEN LOVE WOMEN. Like candy, like champagne, like a soft summer breeze, like a path of union with the divinity in themselves. They always will. I think THIS is what Bill’s blog is all about – yes sometimes it’s even beyond their control, or at least it takes a helluva lot of control to not act on it. Or else true devotion to your woman on a spiritual level. I believe that what matters is the truth and honesty present between a man and a woman; the ability for the man to reign himself in sometimes if his relationship matters, the ability of the woman to expand and open her heart to this fact – that MEN LOVE WOMEN. That is a beautiful thing. ****** and I met at a party one night and were immediately drawn to each other. He knew where I lived as it was on land next to his and his friends, all up in Haiku. We parted ways, and I crawled into bed alone that night happy and with yummy thoughts, back with my little girls. The next morning I as I languidly awoke and with my eyes still closed, attempting to savour every bit of a delicious dream I was having, I began smelling the exquisite scent of gardenia. Closer I came to consciousness, finally opening my eyes to find ****** standing quietly by my bed, holding a fresh gardenia blossom under my nose with a radiant smile on his face! He had been there for a while, and told me i was beautiful as I was sleeping. And so our love affair began… and oh how sweet it was! It lasted about 8 months and then we just drifted apart gracefully.
A few months later I met another beautiful Maui man (don’t even remember his name) – a Daka - a male tantric master (female is a Dakini) who saw me in my beauty and in my pain that was present for so many years. His pleasure was to pleasure women and bring them to their beauty and enlightenment. He would show up every now and then, sometimes on a lazy afternoon when the girls were out and about, and pleasure me with his hands – all I had to do was lay there and receive. He never wanted anything from me, never tried to  have sex with me – oh what divinely delightful afternoon treats those were! I’m sure he did that for many women – I never knew, or asked, or cared – I was healing from deep deep wounds and being loved so purely, without shame.
Okay, so back to: WHY MEN CHEAT. I have come to think, more and more through the years, that the idea of monogamy is a crazy one, especially with all of the dysfunctional folks there are out there in the world today. John Bradshaw at one point said he thought 95% of Americans came from dysfunctional families. I think that because sex has taken such a low seat in the western view of things, and that spirituality has been taken out of it, there is an underlying belief amongst many that it is not clean, it’s dirty, and if we do it we should hide it or keep it behind closed doors and a deep belief that women have had to unravel for themselves is that if they actually LIKE sex, then shame on them! Shame shame shame! For something so beautiful – our windows to our souls.
Okay enough for now. I envision hours and hours together, on your veranda or my porch, sipping…tea or mint julips, not so much catching up on all the years we have missed with each other, but opening out thoughts and souls to each other in discovery of who we are – what makes us tick? That’s what excites me in my life – finding the windows into the soul of my friends, my tribe, the people who matter to me in my life, who I love to hang out with. Can’t wait for some hangin’ out time with you Little Star :~}
Lovelovelove
D’or

One comment

  1. Christine / June 5, 2010

    Then we shall, D’or!!!

    Reply

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